BIG COCK LIARS
We all know just know the status of this cock even before the shorts get torn off!
"Big" is
mostly a matter of self-deception.
Although there have
been quite a few pictures of male members that truly were freaks of nature,
better suited for a side-show than a bedroom, most of us are AVERAGE -- that's
the quintessential meaning of the word, and the measure of the word is 6 to 7
inches.
But most males come
up with some truly insane and inaccurate ways to measure their cocks.
Here's some facts
and some guidelines for measuring.
First, LENGTH.
Males always say
things like "my dick is xx inches long" and that's just as true as
"I can eat pussy all night long." Give it a FUCKING REST!! The ONLY
valid way to measure your dick length is to take an old-fashioned wooden school
ruler, place it flat on TOP of your dick, and push it into your pelvis as far
as you can, or until you draw blood. Looking down from above, where your dick
ends is how long your dick is.
Read it and weep. It
does not get any longer than that. If you know what parallax error is, then you
know that this actually makes your dick measure a quarter inch longer than it
really is.
Now -- you uncircumcised fuckers, you're a special case. Your prepuce DOES NOT COUNT for your dick
length. If you're really ignorant, "prepuce" is your foreskin
This is a pleasing length of uncircumcised manflesh with the loose foreskin slipped back behind the corona
Do
NOT measure your prepuce (foreskin) as being part of your dick length. When you
have your dick inside your fuck partner, your prepuce always slides back, so
the only length they can feel is from your urethral opening and back. You are a
DICK, and not a fin fish as defined in the Texas Parks
and Wildlife Fishing and Hunting Regulations. Pinching a fin-fish's tail to
make it long enough to keep is not the same as pinching your prepuce to make
your dick long enough to fuck.
You are just a dick,
not a game fish, no matter how large your bag limit or how willingly you'd eat
a dick like you would eat a game fish. So skin it before you measure it.
For length, use the
school ruler method. If you are actually longer than a 12-inch ruler, I pity
you but you should either say "12 inches plus" or else get a goddamn
yardstick from the sewing store.
Using a carpenter's
tape measure does NOT count. If it did, I could hook the end of the tape in my
asshole and measure a 12-inch dick right now, and I don't even have an
erection. So could you. A few of you are doing exactly that, as you read this.
'You'll need to go to San Diego if you want to cram this huge veined and circumcised weapon into your throat and choke, or stick the fat head at the entrance of your hole.
If you get to tackling this prime piece of cut meat I suggest you undergo some mouth and ass stretching excercises
Next, GIRTH.
Girth is a technical
term that means "how big around it is." I know I've been using a lot
of technical terms here. Get over it. Get a dictionary. And NO, that is NOT a
book that tells you how large your penis is, except that a few of you have your
pictures next to the words "inflated" "exaggerated"
"mendacity" and "fraud." And -- I left out
"laughable" and "minuscule."
The only accurate
way to measure the girth of your dick is with a flexible tape measure, the kind
you can get at the sewing store -- or can borrow from your gay clothing
designer best friend. You measure your girth by wrapping the tape measure
around the AVERAGE-SIZE part of the shaft of your cock. And you cannot measure
the "width" of your dick, because dicks are oval-shaped in
cross-section and not all proportionately equal in width by depth. Girth
counts. Only. And please don't say that your dick girth is how WIDE it is,
because if your dick were that wide it would not be your penis, it would be the
tail of a goddamn beaver.
And when you measure
girth, wrap the tape just one time, bitches. One time. If you're one of those
mushroom-headed fuckers, do NOT say your dick girth is the circumference of
your mushroom head. That's a fucking lie, and you know it. If there's an inch difference
between your mushroom head and its supporting structure, and if you think it
matters, report both numbers separately. I've been told that some dick
recipients like a big-ass dick head and a slender shaft to push it in and out.
in this case, accurate reporting will get you more ass that actually wants YOUR
individual dick.
RICK has a handsome tightly-circumcised tool drooping a little between muscular thighs suggesting a great fucking ride once the glans has begun its journey through the sphincter
To give you an idea
of what's "average," six inches length is considered
"average." A majority of women find that to be perfect, as long as
the dick owner has a clue of what he's doing. If he does not know, then dick
length is totally irrelevant, because he's a lousy fuck, no matter what. As far
as men preferring larger, average, or smaller? I don't know about THAT, but I
do know that pussies can stretch a lot more than rectums, so at least in
theory, a pussy can fit a huge dick better than a rectum can fit a huge dick.
Your ass-pounding mileage may vary.
If you are shorter
than average, you may have to work on having a nice personality and good sexual
techniques. Do that, and you'll be getting more ass than a ride at Six Flags.
if you are longer than average? Same thing. The ONLY person who gives a shit
about your freak-of-nature foot-long schlong is YOU. Be a nice person and a
good lover, or get used to jacking off. Jacking off ALL THE TIME.
As far as girth, I
won't speak to "average" except to note that "average"
girth is proportional to length. The rest of you fuckers can work the numbers.
I am not in the business of measuring thousands of dicks to determine
"average" girth, or "average" girth vs. length.
A fine example of the circumciser's art from Noo Joysey. Checck out the flared glans and deep lip to the head
Here
are a couple of numbers to make you shut your mouth.
A standard 12 oz
beer can (Miller, Bud, NOT Coors) is approximately 8 inches in girth. So if you
claim a "beer can dick" you better be close to this. Also remember
that a standard 12 oz beer can is only 4 3/4 inches tall / long. That means
that your "beer can" dick is nearly 20% shorter than average, and too
fat to use. Don't believe me? In the privacy of your own home, try wrapping
your lips around a beer can.
Next measure -- a
paper towel roll. A paper towel roll -- exact same size as a toilet paper roll
-- is just shy of 5 1/2 inches in girth. Again, in the privacy of your own
home, maybe the next time you're sitting on the toilet jacking off (that may be
right now for some of you), see if you can put your dick inside the toilet
paper roll. If you can, then your dick girth is LESS than 5 1/2 inches.
Immaculate, tight and a small drip of cum after giving the cock some exercise
I won't offer any
smaller standards for dick girth comparison, because some of you might get your
feelings hurt.
I will finish with
this -- do NOT use a peter pump when you measure, unless you use the same peter
pump every time you show your erection to another person. THAT should be a much
greater embarrassment to you than knowing your dick isn't as big around as a
beer can and you don't need a yardstick to see how long it is.
Now all you fuckers
need to QUIT LYING and MEASURE UP to the truth. If you really do have an
actually huge dick, that's your business. If you are AVERAGE, that's your
business. If you have a truly small cock, that's your business.
Well, your business,
and the business of all the people who want to fuck you. And there are enough
people in the world who want different sizes of dicks that you will have NO
trouble getting ass, just as soon as you quit being a DICK and lying about your
peter.
Fat fucker from Texas...but difficult to tell whether the cock is cut or uncut...either way it'll sure fill you up!
Sucking circumcised. A chubby mouthful getting dedicated attention to the KNOB
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